Stray Dog Man
by StBridget
Summary: Why does it have to be Danny who takes the strays in from the whole damn galaxy? AU Xeno-files.


**Hawaii Five-0 is property of CBS and its creators.  
**

 **A/N: Inspired by Bill Sutton's filk Stray Dog Man. Google it for an audio and lyrics.**

Steve McGarrett wasn't particularly surprised when his partner Danny Williams came into the Five-0 offices one morning with a dog trailing behind him. Danny had a reputation for collecting strays. It had started with a stray at the docks when they were working a case, then one being abused by its "owner" whom Five-0 had gone to question. Then there were several random ones Danny had made Steve stop for while they were out walking around the station or driving down on the planet. Then, as knowledge of his habit grew, people began dumping strays on Danny's doorstep. Thus, it had become reasonably common for Danny to come into headquarters with a dog in tow.

Steve took a closer look at the latest stray. "What the hell is that?"

"It's a dog," Danny said, as though the answer should be obvious. He paused. "I think."

It was like no dog Steve had ever seen. It looked kind of like a mastiff, but it was covered with scales and had six legs. He looked to Chin Ho Kelly, their expert on alien life, for help.

Chin was already typing furiously on the computer. He brought up a picture on the screen. "Pegasian lizard dog. Popular pet on Pegasi b4. Despite its size, it's primarily a companion animal. Very friendly."

As if to illustrate Chin's point, the creature—dog? Steve guessed you could call it that—put its paws on Steve's shoulders, nearly knocking him over, and gave him a big, sloppy, wet kiss. "Hey," Steve protested, wiping his face.

"Down, boy," Danny said, tugging on the leash until the animal returned to all fours—er, sixes.

Kono Kalakaua leaned down to give the beast a hug, receiving a similar slobbery kiss. "Aren't you a sweetheart? You're just adorable, do you know that?" Nobody deigned to comment on that. They were used to Kono calling a wide range of odd animals "cute."

"Hungry, too," Danny said. "By the way," he said in an aside to Steve. "I need to leave early."

"To take care of the, erm, dog?"

"No, to get a new sofa bed. He ate mine."

Steve didn't know quite what to say to that. "What are you going to do with him?" he asked instead. Danny had found so many strays no rescue organization on the station or planet would take them from him anymore, and his apartment didn't allow pets, especially not the size of _that_. He'd already pawned dogs off on Kono, Chin, and their fifth team member, Lou Grover (he'd convinced Lou to take two—one for each kid), and his ex-wife, Rachel, refused to let their daughter, Grace, have any pet other than her rabbit, Mr. Hoppy. That left. . .

Sure enough, Danny turned the puppy-dog eyes he'd learned from Grace on Steve. "I was hoping you'd take him."

"No," Steve said adamantly. "Absolutely not. That's the fifth dog in two months. No way am I taking it."

The puppy dog eyes continued. "But you found homes for all of them."

"Not Fido," Steve countered.

"You kept Fido. There's a difference." Still with the puppy dog eyes. "Please? Otherwise, he might have to be put down." Checkmate.

Steve sighed. "Fine. But you're paying for dog food. Or whatever it is he eats."

"Oh, he's not picky," Danny said. "He'll eat anything." Including sofa beds, apparently.

And, as Steve found out, alarm clocks in mittens put in the garage with him to keep him quiet. Plus, most of the tools, the cans of motor oil for the classic (circa 2160's) Mercury Marquis he was restoring, and the shelving (but not the contents of the shelves, miraculously—that was left scattered all over the garage). In desperation, Steve fed the creature a bag of nails, which it swallowed eagerly. It was with great relief that Steve greeted Danny's arrival with a gigantic bag of dog food. That'd last about two days, by Steve's calcuations.

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A week later, Danny stopped by to check up on his latest stray. "So, have you found him a home yet?"

"Not exactly," Steve hedged.

Danny eyed him suspiciously. "Not exactly?"

Just then, the lizard dog came bounding down the stairs, followed by Fido, Steve's Boston terrier. The alien dog planted a kiss on Steve's face, but this time Steve didn't flinch. The lightbulb dawned. "You're keeping him, aren't you?"

Steve looked sheepish. "He's really sweet when you get to know him. And Fido loves him." Sure enough, the lizard dog had settled on Steve's couch, the comparatively tiny Boston curled up beside him.

"Uh-huh," Danny said neutrally.

"I named him Ursa Major," Steve continued. "Because he's a major pain in the. . ."

"I get it, I get it," Danny cut him off. He smirked. "So, I guess taking him in wasn't such a bad idea after all, was it?"

Steve didn't deign to answer.

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About a month later, Danny came into the office with another "dog" following him (Steve decided that was as good a designation as any). This one was smaller and looked like it was covered in seaweed. Chin had a picture up before Steve could even look at him. "Aquarian sea dog. Amphibious."

"What are you going to do with this one?" Steve asked, dreading the answer.

Danny opened his mouth to answer. "No," Steve said before Danny could say anything.

"Please?" Danny pleaded. "What else am I supposed to do with it?"

"Throw it back," Steve suggested.

"I can't do that!"

"Well, I'm not taking it," Steve said with finality. He turned his back on Danny and marched into his office, but Danny—and the dog—followed. Steve sat down at his desk, turned on his computer, and pretended to work diligently, all the while studiously ignoring Danny, who just stood there, staring at him. So did the "dog".

Finally, Steve couldn't take any more. "You're not going to leave me alone until I take it, are you?"

"Nope," Danny said cheerfully. The "dog" whine in agreement.

"Okay, fine, but there's one condition."

"What?" Danny asked.

"Tell the ones in space to go find another place and leave you and your dogs alone."

Danny didn't have anything to say to that.

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A/N: I'm not sure whether it's Danny or Steve who's really the Stray Dog Man. :) Hope you're enjoying these-I'm having lot of fun writing them!


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